Crossroads

I am at a crossroads.  I am struggling to overcome the stronghold that depression, ADD, dissociative disorder, anger, regret and negativity have on me.  I'm trying to learn to make my own happiness.  Some days, I am able to remain positive, uplifting and healing to both myself and others.  Other days (like yesterday) I fight my tears every second.

Why?  Why are some days so much easier than others?  Why am I thoroughly motivated for change on some days and don't want to get out of bed on others?  Where is the answer?  Does it lie in my own mind, my own psyche?  Or do I need the medications, the self help books, and the nutritional supplements?

My body and mind have been through hell.  This time last year, I was heavily medicated with a heavy dose of Prozac, Xanax and Adderall so I could psychologically function, and also was on a nice dosage of oxycontin and percocet daily so I could function physically after my medical misadventure which left me in gripping amounts of physical pain.  Unfortunately, even with all of this, I suffered from severe sleep anxiety and self medicated with another 40mg (yes, an entire 40mg EVERY night) of percocet, just to numb myself enough to catch a few hours of sleep.

I will tell you, none of that worked.  Withdrawal from the oxycontin was horrendous.  But I worked with my doctor and did it.  However, I was still on all of the rest of the drugs.  Even with the Adderall, I was a zombie throughout the day due to the narcotic induced sleep routine I had made for myself.

My life was falling apart.  I lost my job, my husband hated me, I hated me, and some very ugly thoughts ran through my head daily.  I had no money, I had no friends, I had no job, and my home life was nothing short of a joke.  Oh yeah, and with no job came no health insurance, and with no health insurance and no money, the ability to maintain my pharmaceutical lifeline made life even more overwhelming.

Throughout the next few months, I contemplated, I planned, I skated through.  I lied, I blamed, I self medicated, I was miserable.  I wanted so desperately to have some semblance of normal, to feel human again, to be the person I once was.

I worked diligently to stop self medicating with the percocet, even for sleep.  I got away for a few weekends to South Carolina for Midwifery workshops (which were a joke) and camped alone in the state park.  I searched, I looked, I begged.  I knew a better me was in there somewhere.  I finally, toward the end of the summer became narcotic free.  The sleep anxiety subsided somewhat, even though on a bad day, I still fidget to no end while trying to rest.  And then, I ran out of Prozac and didn't have the money to refill it.

Withdrawal from that was pretty rough too.  Note to others-you shouldn't stop taking any mind altering medication cold turkey.  Especially when you take twice the normal adult dose.  My eyes twitched, I had no sense of balance, and I forgot normal, everyday things, like how to pump gas.

Two weeks ago, I decided to make an attempt at making myself a happier person through better nutrition, positivity and having a giving spirit.  I started a page on Facebook called Eye Thoughts, where I post positive quotes, images and tidbits several times throughout the day.  If you 'Like' the Eye Thoughts page, you will get little bits of positivity in your News Feed on your Facebook page.  Right now, I have 12 people who  have 'Liked' my EyeThoughts page, all of them are on my personal friends list.

While I'd LOVE to have more people to uplift and support through this outlet, I'm realizing that I need it as much as I need to provide it.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me.  We are working on 'our' house (anyone who knows me will know why I put that in quotes, those who don't, I have extremely strong emotions regarding my living arrangement, but that's a blog entry for another day) and I had an EXTREMELY difficult time with that as well as everything else going on in my life right now (also another blog for another day).

I managed to sleep for about 1.5 solid hours last night, but today is a new day.  I'm feeling good, feeling positive, and I think this is a good start to my blog.  What follows will be more in depth, more thought provoking and hopefully you can learn and grow through my ups and downs in dealing with life plagued with psychological disorders-while clawing my way through toward happiness and fulfillment.